So, before I became a wife and mother I was also a person.  A good person.  A fun person.  I had loads of friends.  I even had a game called “let’s make a friend” that I would play out in public.  The rules are self explanatory, but I was good at this game. After I became a mother, I fell into this sort of black-hole that can only be compared to what happens to forest children, or people raised by wild animals.  The animals of course being your kids. So the cycle starts like this: As a new mother you spend many….many days and nights solely in the company of your child(ren).  My husband would keep weird hours between work and at the time school so we didn’t hang out much; he is by choice a complete loner so he’s just as much a conversationalist as the baby.  Adult conversations were few and far between.  When I might meet with another person over the age of 20 conversations were limited to my baby, my health, or if I wanted fries with my take out.  Naturally after 2 kids and spending 3 years in this state, I realized that I did not know how to socialize appropriately.  I would say weird things.  I would sometimes talk over people.  More often than I’d like, I would start talking about something and completely forget what I was saying and sometimes what we were even talking about.  I worked on and off after my youngest turned 1 1/2, but even when I came in contact with people I noticed that socializing and making friends didn’t come easily anymore; I sucked at it.  I didn’t know how to be a person. It was hard- talking in full sentences, about things, out loud! There were times when people would start talking to me and mid conversation I would just give up and say anything to make the conversation end.  This actually happened during an interview for a job where the woman was talking to much, and I had reached a point of complete disinterest so I started answering questions with anything that might make it all stop:

Person: “So what’s your personality like?”
Me: “I’m kinda like a stoner, but I don’t have any weed.” *silence*
Person: “What does that mean?”
Me: “I’m calm and laid back but I don’t have any marijuana……..”

Then there were times when I’d lose all decorum…..and common sense.  If I were caught off guard by someone then who knows what might come out of my mouth:

Person at daycare: “Hey can you help with the kids carnival?”
Me: “No I don’t like kids….or helping.”

To be fair, I actually like kids; that bit was a bold-faced lie, but it was the easiest way in my primitive un-socialized state to give an answer that was short and couldn’t be argued with, thus ending the conversation instantly (brilliant I know).

The paradox here is that I would genuinely miss having friends and places to go.  I would get nostalgic over the good ole days and couldn’t fathom why I didn’t have a gazillion friends. I was always jealous of women and all their mom friends-having tv series parties, wine book clubs, stroller walking whatevers.  I was never invited to those groups CLEARLY because I would sometimes purposely not on purpose act like an asshole who just wanted to go home-I also don’t think my kids are smarter than everyone else’s kids, or do arts and crafts, and I still think macros are related to that annoying prompt you get when you open Excel and not a diet.

My kids are 5 and 7 now.  You can only imagine what it’s like to hang out with me or rather you can only guess no one is hanging out with me.  So true…so so so sad but true.  To the extent that in an honest effort to be friendly and funny (at the same time) during a conversation one morning, we now have one neighbor that goes to great lengths to avoid us entirely.  But you know what they say: ‘Keep trying’, ‘Never give up’ -aren’t kids shows great?! With that spirit in mind or as self induced punishment I  signed up for a ladies night in a few weeks-so that should be fun…a new place to act weird and alienate others!

Disclaimer: I do have like 5 friends.  Most don’t live here.  To the friends that do-thanks for working past my weirdness.  You’re weird too though. So you’re also welcome.